Candleroller: Part 18

Dear Far Far Away,

I'm going to kill my Fairy Godmother. Not only did I find out that her noble steed was actually a stolen equine, but I dropped one of my brand new glass skates. Oh, and to top it all off, the other shattered while I was making my escape and I've spent the remainder of the evening hiding in solitude and picking splinters of roller skate from my feet.

Still there are plenty of other things to be happy about. I've just heard that the Prince is looking to arrest a mystery woman in a white gown who lost a glass slipper, the hopeless sap. In a way, I'm pleased the other one shattered because I should be off the hook now.

Not only that, but it's a nice quiet evening. The Trashmen aren't blaring out of every speaker in the house for the first night in a long, long while. My stepmother and stepsisters have just arrived home, but they're quietly slapping on eyelash extensions and blusher.

I think I'll just enjoy this moment, things can only get better.

Yours,

Cinderella.

< Part 17 Restart Tale Part 19 >

Candleroller: Part 17

Dear Far Far Away,

I think my duties to Cinderella have been expertly carried out. She made it to the ball, and I even managed to warn her to be back by midnight like any caring guardian should. Being a good girl, she was back on time, although she wasn't grateful enough to thank me for my hard work.

Now I've overseen her safe return, I've decided to retire. I've had a hard life, cruising over the seven seas, watching mermaids swim past and fending off the odd kraken with my enchanted stick.

I'm taking Mr. Clompy with me as he seems like a fun-loving equine. Together we've decided to spend a while hitting up the red light district on our eternal search for a bar to lean on, and later we might settle down into a little cottage in the woods where no-one can possibly disturb us.

Yours,

Fairy Godmother.

< Part 16 Restart Tale Part 18 >

Candleroller: Part 14

Dear Far Far Away,

Why must I do everything myself? That blithering Fairy Godmother of mine turned up on the doorstep of my cellar last night as inebriated as a koala accompanied by an equally drunk horse. No, I have no idea where she found it.

When I found her, she was waving a stick at a pumpkin and singing “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo”. I haven't seen this level of stupidity since I agreed to Father's request to live in the cellar on no pay and minimal rations.

Anyway, I steadied my Fairy Godmother and sat her down. The horse attempted to follow suit, but just ended up tottering around, making a lot of noise and squashing all of the pumpkins. On that note, I think I'll call him Mr. Clompy.

I ran down to Vegswagon and picked me up a huge deal! They had a discount package deal called Pimp My Pumpkin, so I managed to get my carriage lowered and a pretty neat sound system installed. It doesn't need pulling by any horses, but seeing as Mr. Clompy is looking for somewhere to sober up I've decided to tie him to the front and have the carriage push him along on wheels.

On the way out, I nipped into DraySarj and picked me up another bargain on a beautiful sequinned number with free glass shoes! No idea how on earth I'm expected to walk in glass skates, but they're beautiful.

On my return, I found that Fairy Godmother was screaming obscenities at a ragged gown, questioning where all the sewing lesson money had been spent. Turns out that Jerry, Minnie and Mickey had spent it on becoming international superstars.

Yours,

Cinderella.

< Part 13 Restart Tale Part 15 >

Candleroller: Part 8

Dear Far Far Away,

My stepmother has royally irritated me (no pun intended). She said I'm not allowed to attend this Prince's disco, despite me clearly being a woman (at least, last time I checked). She even docked my wages, which was a little pointless because I'm not paid anyway.

Well, I'll show her. Little does she know that I have imaginary friends who can help me in my time of plight. That's right. I'll just conjure up my Fairy Godmother who will grant my every wish.

Now, I know you're wondering why didn't I just ask my Fairy Godmother to whisk me away from this cellar that I've been living in – and you'd have a good reason to ask, because I've only just thought this myself. Anyway, I'm not a vengeful person so it wouldn't be right if I didn't use my Fairy Godmother to retaliate against my overbearing stepmother.

Actually, while I'm on the subject, I'm hoping there's something that she can do about these rodents that live here with me in the cellar. They keep gesturing at me with almost human tenancies, but since when has a person been able to understand what a rodent is thinking? The only thing those rats are good for is testing my cosmetics on. I also tried to teach them to sew but they just keep impaling themselves with the needles.

With luck, Fairy Godmother will be able to turn them into something useful, like a footman or something. After their incessant nibbling I need a good pedicure.

Yours,

Cinderella.

< Part 7 Restart Tale Part 9 >

Candleroller: Part 1

Dear Far Far Away,

I fear my life is joining thousands of others in the Kingdom whose fathers die in mysterious circumstances, and whose step-mothers make them perform manual labour. Like the others I have settled on a life of quietly performing my duties by taking consolation in that fact that I have a strong bond with animals.

I also have unoriginal dreams where I wish for a prince to whisk me off my feet, but I have an inferiority complex that makes me wonder whether my greasy sisters would be a better match for such a kind and caring individual.

I do think of myself as fortunate though. I have my own room in the cellar where I can see the morning light stream in through a grated window level with the pavement. I also have the pleasure of listening to the birdsong when my step-mother sings The Trashmen's classic in her off-key a capella solos. My late father even bought earplugs to block out all the surrounding sounds so he could concentrate on her beautiful singing.

Anyway, I should get back to my chores now. I need to remember to brush my teeth first today, because after a hard day's tile scrubbing yesterday, I'm still picking out fluff from between my canines.

Yours,

Cinderella.

Part 2 >