The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 21

Dear Far Far Away,

To say today was eventful is a bit of an understatement. I went to forgive Snow for being mean to me about my height and to give her another opportunity to be my wife. She was with a napping Sleepy in the kitchen, and she bit into an apple when she suddenly clutched at her throat. Truth be told, I thought she was just being melodramatic when she saw me walk into the room, so I stormed off in a huff.

Later, I learnt from Happy that Snow had collapsed from an unknown poison. He joyously told me that he had found Snow lying on the floor and Sleepy mumbling something about an old lady and an apple, which just sounded like the ramblings of a lethargic madman.

I went out to see Snow who had been put in Happy's greenhouse (for preserving, apparently), when I noticed from the corner of my eye two human people watching the proceedings. I deduced, using my dwarfish intelligence, that this might have been the woman responsible for such a heinous crime!

They stepped forward, and the male ran over to the greenhouse, professing his love for my Snow! Well, I wasn't having that. After some prolonged bickering, I challenged him to a duel. He pulled out a weapon, and tried to stab me with a pointy toothbrush. Luckily he aimed over my head so I tackled him to the ground, where he landed on the toothbrush, pointy side up. He was killed.

The woman had casually walked away to check something on an iMirror. I wandered over to see what all the fuss was about, when she collapsed in a heap. Clearly the item was fake (it was definitely a counterfeit that we manufactured in the mine), and it must have electrocuted her.

I looked at the other dwarves, wondering what to do with a man I've murdered, and a woman we've all inadvertently struck down with our faulty goods. We knew we were in serious trouble.

On Sleepy's advice, we decided to do nothing until morning.

Yours,

Doc.

< Part 20 Restart Tale Part 22 (Available: 15 August) >

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 20

Dear Far Far Away,

I dreamt that on my way home from work today there was this really old lady that told me to make sure Snow ate a healthy amount of fruit. I think there might have been ramblings about poison and apples and a bit of arguing with her dim-witted companion but that's besides the point.

Later, I had a dream about a land where dwarves weren't persecuted for being short, where everyone could live together in harmony no matter if they chose to wear slippers or not. A young King led the revolution which later went down in dwarfish history.

Anyway, I decided that I should go and talk to Snow because the old lady in my dream seemed to know what she was on about. Luckily, Snow had bought some apples the previous day and was planning on making a pie. I encouraged her to take the juiciest one for herself.

Then I woke up, and it was all kicking off.

Yours,

Sleepy.

< Part 19 Restart Tale Part 21 >

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 15

Dear Far Far Away,

After eleven days of dropping hints to Snow about my affections for her I figured it was time to admit my love for her. I spent the day at work pondering over how I was to seduce her and, as a result, I had it all planned out in my head.

I would go home via Happy's garden and pick some of his finest flowers (he'd understand). Then, I'd then pick the petals off each flower and delicately place them throughout the house, leading from Snow's bedroom to a candlelit dinner where I'd be sat after cooking up a delicious and nutritious meal for two (none of this vegetable rubbish). After the meal she'd lean across the table (because I'm too short) and kiss me on the lips. I'd then profess my love for her, and we'd get married in an inter-species ceremony surrounded by our six friends.

My plan started to unravel when I got home to find Snow cooking up some vegetable-based dish. I ditched the flowers outside the door and found Snow in the kitchen slaving away over the cooker. I went up behind her to hug her around the waist, but before I could Sneezy walked in and complained about someone ditching a whole load of pollen-ridden flowers outside the door, before emptying the contents of his nose all over the floor.

Snow spun around, tripping over my hug in the process. As she fell, I caught her and quickly went in to seal the catch with a kiss. The pan that she had been carrying landed on my foot, causing me to drop Snow while I cursed at my lack of suitable footwear.

She was pretty upset by the whole ordeal, but hopefully she can find it in her heart to forgive me. If not, I'm afraid I'd be heartbroken.

Yours,

Doc.

< Part 14 Restart Tale > Part 16

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 13

Dear Far Far Away,

Today has been a great day! I woke up bright and early to listen to the sound of birdsong outside my nice clean window. I figured I'd have an early morning stroll in the shaded sunshine followed by a dance amongst the flowers.

I went over to my special flowerbed to continue laying more lilies. I even have a special glass cover on the top to ensure that the buds remain at an ambient temperature. Grumpy has likened my pride and joy to a floral coffin, but I forgive his pessimism. Who would display a body in such a casket? I guess you'd only do that if they weren't really dead or something.

I pranced back to the house to make everyone a morning cup of tea before work, but Snow was already up and about in the kitchen. She's so thoughtful! Life has been absolute bliss since her arrival. Everything is so clean, and better still, everyone is living up to their stereotypical names now. It was so confusing when Dopey was taking English lessons and started reciting Shakespeare. I still wonder where he got that skull from for his monologue.

Anyway, work was amazing. The mine was just as dreary as it is supposed to be and I reckon I'm even starting to lose a bit of weight. I mean, I don't want to be stick thin because I'm happy and chubby, but I can't complain.

In fact, I literally can't complain.

Yours,

Happy.

< Part 12 Restart Tale > Part 14

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 10

Dear Far Far Away,

I fink I is scard 4 lyf. Vat nyoo gurl mayd me haf a baff n I is cleen now. I even ayt the sope but she dident even cair.

She is a payn. She mayks niys fud an everyfink, but everyfink is cleen and I lykd it wen it were how it was b4.

Achooly, I lyk it wen I go 2 werk coz it meens I can get away from her n all her cleen stuff. Most of us is startin to get anoyd by her but Hapi is still hapi and Dok is in luf.

Yurz,

Dopey.

< Part 9 Restart Tale > Part 11

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 8

Dear Far Far Away,

I have a cold. I mean, yes, I always have a cold, but this time its something completely different. I think I'm allergic to the new girl.

I was talking to Grumpy yesterday and he was explaining his dislike for, well, everything but Snow in particular - and I'm beginning to see his point. I don't mind that everything is tidy now, because I can finally find all of my handkerchiefs, and those that I've used actually get washed once in a while.

I think I'm allergic to her smell though. She sprays the most awful perfume, some strong-scented rubbish that she somehow smuggled out of the Kingdom. It's made by some unsuccessful singer that is now married to a football player and apparently its all the rage back there.

It stinks! She doesn't even have a clue what's in it, but I read the small print on the bottle. It turns out that the singer just bottled her own stage sweat and claimed it kept the wearer 'fairest of them all'. It's disgusting. Give me a musky woman without these fake odours any day.

Hope my cold clears up tomorrow, but don't hold your breath.

Yours,

Sneezy.

Rest assured, this letter has been fully decontaminated.

< Part 7 Restart Tale Part 9 >

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 6

Dear Far Far Away,

Guess what I did today? Yep, I worked. Again. As usual. Hi-bloody-ho.

I did arrive home to find a pot of boiling soup on the side, and the others were all very complimentary to this new Snow girl on her cooking talents. Personally I thought it was foul and it even had bits of floating vegetables in it. Real men don't eat carrots or swede. She said she was going to make us a nice apple pie for dessert, but couldn't be bothered to leave the house and find any. We put a roof over her head and this is how she repays us! Ungrateful cow.

Later, I went up to my room and found that everything had been moved. That woman had been in my room destroying my organised mess. I even noticed that my slippers had been paired up and stacked up carefully on the shelf. Now, in the morning, I've got to go the shelf and pull them down before I wear them. Totally wasted effort if you ask me.

Finally, she wouldn’t even let us get drunk tonight saying that our livers must have been taking a battering from all the alcohol. Apparently she now cares for our well-being. I reckon that she's just hankering after a bottle to take home with her.

Yours,

Grumpy.

What a happy chap.

< Part 5 Restart Tale Part 7 >

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 4

Dear Far Far Away,

Something amazing happened today! I'm still stuck with those six oddballs, but today while we were off to work, we found a tall person. Not only that, but she's a girl! And she's pretty!

Of course, the others were all over her like a rash but I figured that I should play it cool. I know I'm usually never very good at meeting women – yes, I'm referring to the incident two years ago – but I reckon this time it'll be different. She looks lost out here, and I might be able to use that to my advantage.

Actually, earlier she came up to me and stroked my face remarking on how cute I am when I go red. I thanked her, but then had to have a lie down because I felt a bit dizzy - I'm pretty sure it's not healthy for that much blood to be in my head at the same time.

Sounds like they're all having a party downstairs now. When I get up later, I might have to go and rescue her from their amorous advances.

Yours,

Bashful.

I think a name change is in order, stud.

< Part 3 Restart Tale Part 5 >