The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 23

Dear Far Far Away,

We have been without a leader here for nearly two weeks. The city has descended into chaos.

A ragamuffin set fire to my chickens, and the body of a man impaled on a toothbrush has washed up in the river. People are now killing dentists in a mass donticide, to prevent their children becoming the victim of a similar crime.

I hope the Queen is back soon, otherwise I fear we're all doomed.

Yours,

Peasant.

< Part 22 Restart Tale

This letter concludes The Apple Princess. I hope you enjoyed the first tale!

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 22

Dear Far Far Away,

I woke up this morning and found two random bodies right next to the garden. Equally weirdly, the beautiful woman had decided to spend a night in the greenhouse.

After checking Mr. Clompy for any signs of blood I decided that he hadn't gone on a drunken midnight killing spree. I boldly knocked on the door of the tiny people's house only to be told to bugger off by the first answer. Undeterred, I tried again.

Six further times I tried, and I was met with different responses each occasion (ranging from someone talking gibberish to someone sneezing in my face) before I finally found clarity from someone with a dazzling smile. He explained that they had accidentally killed two people and poisoned the pretty woman called Snow. The psychopath then laughed. I wet myself a little, but then what did I expect after drinking three pints of champers.

A bespectacled fellow joined the jolly one at the door and told me that I had to take the woman with me, and never speak of their disturbing crimes. They led me to the greenhouse where I tripped over a rock and fell face to face with this Snow woman. I'm such a klutz!

While I was spitting out the disgusting woman germs, she awoke pronouncing me a hero. She'll fit in nicely in my Kingdom then – undoubtedly father would be pleased with my find. I double-checked with the small people that she was good at cooking and cleaning, before loading her on a reluctant and slightly hungover Mr. Clompy.

We rode off a headed straight for the Kingdom, or at least as straight as a horse with a migraine can manage.

Yours,

Prince.

< Part 21 Restart Tale Part 23 >

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 21

Dear Far Far Away,

To say today was eventful is a bit of an understatement. I went to forgive Snow for being mean to me about my height and to give her another opportunity to be my wife. She was with a napping Sleepy in the kitchen, and she bit into an apple when she suddenly clutched at her throat. Truth be told, I thought she was just being melodramatic when she saw me walk into the room, so I stormed off in a huff.

Later, I learnt from Happy that Snow had collapsed from an unknown poison. He joyously told me that he had found Snow lying on the floor and Sleepy mumbling something about an old lady and an apple, which just sounded like the ramblings of a lethargic madman.

I went out to see Snow who had been put in Happy's greenhouse (for preserving, apparently), when I noticed from the corner of my eye two human people watching the proceedings. I deduced, using my dwarfish intelligence, that this might have been the woman responsible for such a heinous crime!

They stepped forward, and the male ran over to the greenhouse, professing his love for my Snow! Well, I wasn't having that. After some prolonged bickering, I challenged him to a duel. He pulled out a weapon, and tried to stab me with a pointy toothbrush. Luckily he aimed over my head so I tackled him to the ground, where he landed on the toothbrush, pointy side up. He was killed.

The woman had casually walked away to check something on an iMirror. I wandered over to see what all the fuss was about, when she collapsed in a heap. Clearly the item was fake (it was definitely a counterfeit that we manufactured in the mine), and it must have electrocuted her.

I looked at the other dwarves, wondering what to do with a man I've murdered, and a woman we've all inadvertently struck down with our faulty goods. We knew we were in serious trouble.

On Sleepy's advice, we decided to do nothing until morning.

Yours,

Doc.

< Part 20 Restart Tale Part 22 (Available: 15 August) >

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 20

Dear Far Far Away,

I dreamt that on my way home from work today there was this really old lady that told me to make sure Snow ate a healthy amount of fruit. I think there might have been ramblings about poison and apples and a bit of arguing with her dim-witted companion but that's besides the point.

Later, I had a dream about a land where dwarves weren't persecuted for being short, where everyone could live together in harmony no matter if they chose to wear slippers or not. A young King led the revolution which later went down in dwarfish history.

Anyway, I decided that I should go and talk to Snow because the old lady in my dream seemed to know what she was on about. Luckily, Snow had bought some apples the previous day and was planning on making a pie. I encouraged her to take the juiciest one for herself.

Then I woke up, and it was all kicking off.

Yours,

Sleepy.

< Part 19 Restart Tale Part 21 >

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 19

Dear Far Far Away,

As always, Huntsman was useless. He led us through the forest without a clue where he was going, before eventually settling on some run-down old tavern to settle down for a drink. He even used the opportunity to go and brush his teeth.

While he was in the toilet, however, I saw her! She walked right past the window carrying an empty basket. I quickly slipped on my casual old ladies' clothes and sprinted out the door. I found the nearest fruit seller and bought all of their stock in the vague hope that Snow would be looking for apples.

When Snow came across the stall, she met no-one but a lonely, frail old lady selling her apples. I sold her a dozen and placed a special free one on top (cunningly laced with poison), hoping that she would eat it there and then. She did not, and my foolproof plan had all gone wrong.

She toddled off back into the forest so I had to quickly grab Huntsman (now minty fresh) and follow behind. There was also this strange man on a really loud and possibly drunk horse who seemed to have his own agenda for following her. We steered well clear.

We set up camp for the night behind the house to further study Snow's movements.

Yours,

Queen.

< Part 18 Restart Tale Part 20 >

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 18

Dear Far Far Away,

Something amazing happened. There I was traversing the forest, when I happened upon a clearing filled with market stalls. There was even a ramshackle ale house where I figured it would be wise to grab a quick pink champagne and let Mr. Clompy take on fluid.

So, I was sat in the public house drinking my pint (every drink came in pints – what sort of establishment was this?), when I looked out of the window to see a fine figure of a woman outside of the window. Immediately, I thought this woman would be ideal to do my cooking and cleaning – if she was any good I'd take her as my wife.

She was carrying a basket of apples and was obviously running an errand for some lucky bloke so I thought that I would follow her to her master's house. She led me to a tiny house while I trailed behind on the not-so-stealthy-but-now-fully-refreshed Mr. Clompy.

I set up camp in the forest just out of view of the house, and have seen at least seven little men coming and going throughout the day. I'm starting to think she is a bit of a harlot, but seeing as I'm also shallow and easily pleased, I figured I ought to give this woman a chance. She seems just my type.

Yours,

Prince.

< Part 17 Restart Tale Part 19 >

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 17

Dear Far Far Away,

Doc has been acting a little weird recently after the hot-pan incident a couple of nights ago. Don't get me wrong, being kissed by that disgusting bearded diminutive individual would have been horrific. I'd have probably got a fur ball or something. Lucky I managed to throw the pan down quickly enough.

I forgave him pretty quickly because I appear to be lacking friends out of those that I currently live with, but yet he still avoids me. I'm hoping it's nothing to do with the fact that I told him I couldn't ever be with a man who would easily make a comfortable, furry armrest.

Earlier, I was going to make friends with Sleepy who'd I'd hardly seen since arrival. I went into his bedroom only to be utterly disgusted by the sound of his snoring. I'm wondering whether if he cut his beard then it might not irritate his nose so much. Maybe that's something to tell him in the morning.

Finally, I'm off to a forest market tomorrow. There are normal-sized people there so I'm not sure why it's taken to long to think about going there before for some company. Either way, I'm going to pick up some apples for a pie to appease Grumpy's constant pestering.

Yours,

Snow

< Part 16 Restart Tale Part 18 >

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 16

Dear Far Far Away,

My life is so difficult. I woke up this morning and my butler wasn't at the foot of my bed ready for my beck and call. Instead, he was by the door so I had to wait for him to walk all the way over to the foot of my bed before I could ask him to fetch my gown and then all the way back to get it off the back of the door. He's so inconsiderate!

Anyway, Daddy decided that I ought to find myself a bride. Apparently it's not right for a man to be seen frolicking with other men and whipping each other with towels after a tiresome swim. Especially not when that man is a prince. Honestly! I thought as royalty I could have a free choice over such matters.

I keep telling Daddy that if he wants me to find a woman he's going to have to throw me a ball (I have a colour scheme and everything) but he said it'll do me good to leave the Kingdom and explore other Kingdoms in the area. I have to traverse a horrible forest with animals in it. I have a horrible feeling I'm going to get some exotic avian flu.

Despite being allowed to take my favourite pony (Daddy says if I find a suitor I must start referring to Mr. Clompy as a stallion), I'm not allowed to bring any of my closet closest friends, so after waving Fernando a prolonged and awkward goodbye, I set off for the forest.

I'm now dreading my first night's sleep in the forest surrounded by all sorts of scuttling beasts of burden.

Yours,

Prince.

< Part 15 Restart Tale > Part 17

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 15

Dear Far Far Away,

After eleven days of dropping hints to Snow about my affections for her I figured it was time to admit my love for her. I spent the day at work pondering over how I was to seduce her and, as a result, I had it all planned out in my head.

I would go home via Happy's garden and pick some of his finest flowers (he'd understand). Then, I'd then pick the petals off each flower and delicately place them throughout the house, leading from Snow's bedroom to a candlelit dinner where I'd be sat after cooking up a delicious and nutritious meal for two (none of this vegetable rubbish). After the meal she'd lean across the table (because I'm too short) and kiss me on the lips. I'd then profess my love for her, and we'd get married in an inter-species ceremony surrounded by our six friends.

My plan started to unravel when I got home to find Snow cooking up some vegetable-based dish. I ditched the flowers outside the door and found Snow in the kitchen slaving away over the cooker. I went up behind her to hug her around the waist, but before I could Sneezy walked in and complained about someone ditching a whole load of pollen-ridden flowers outside the door, before emptying the contents of his nose all over the floor.

Snow spun around, tripping over my hug in the process. As she fell, I caught her and quickly went in to seal the catch with a kiss. The pan that she had been carrying landed on my foot, causing me to drop Snow while I cursed at my lack of suitable footwear.

She was pretty upset by the whole ordeal, but hopefully she can find it in her heart to forgive me. If not, I'm afraid I'd be heartbroken.

Yours,

Doc.

< Part 14 Restart Tale > Part 16

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 14

Dear Far Far Away,

I'm free! The Queen has found it in her heart to forgive me for all of my bad behaviour. All I have to do is to track down Snow and bring her back to the Kingdom. Truth be told, I'm looking forward to the mission because I've missed her so much in the time she's been gone.

Unlike the last time I went to the forest, I've been told I'm absolutely to not take weapons, but this time I have the pleasure of the Queen's company so hopefully I can learn from her wise words. It's good to get in with the Queen, as I hope she'll be my step-mother-in-law one day.

I ought to get on with preparing my suitcase for the journey. I've got clean underwear, and the finest slacks I could lay my hands on. I don't want to be dirty when I see Snow again. I've also got toothpaste and a very sharp toothbrush, because you can't be too careful while you're brushing your teeth in a moment of weakness.

Yours,

Huntsman.

< Prev: Part 13 Restart Tale > Next: Part 15

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 13

Dear Far Far Away,

Today has been a great day! I woke up bright and early to listen to the sound of birdsong outside my nice clean window. I figured I'd have an early morning stroll in the shaded sunshine followed by a dance amongst the flowers.

I went over to my special flowerbed to continue laying more lilies. I even have a special glass cover on the top to ensure that the buds remain at an ambient temperature. Grumpy has likened my pride and joy to a floral coffin, but I forgive his pessimism. Who would display a body in such a casket? I guess you'd only do that if they weren't really dead or something.

I pranced back to the house to make everyone a morning cup of tea before work, but Snow was already up and about in the kitchen. She's so thoughtful! Life has been absolute bliss since her arrival. Everything is so clean, and better still, everyone is living up to their stereotypical names now. It was so confusing when Dopey was taking English lessons and started reciting Shakespeare. I still wonder where he got that skull from for his monologue.

Anyway, work was amazing. The mine was just as dreary as it is supposed to be and I reckon I'm even starting to lose a bit of weight. I mean, I don't want to be stick thin because I'm happy and chubby, but I can't complain.

In fact, I literally can't complain.

Yours,

Happy.

< Part 12 Restart Tale > Part 14

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 12

Dear Far Far Away,

Finally, I've done it! I've laced an apple with some poison that'll send that pretty girl to sleep for thousands of years! I would kill her, but I do have morals, you know. The only way she'll wake up is from the kiss of a handsome prince, but there are none in the Kingdom, and even if there were, I'm sure that would be incestuous or something.

My closest aide asked me why I thought an apple was a good idea, questioning if she'd actually seen Snow eat apples in the past. I had to tell her that if I dressed up as a little old lady then it would make Mummy's advice correct. Never trust an old lady selling dodgy apples. Ha! Snow never listened to me anyway.

My only dilemma is trying to find her. I've had scouts out over the past few days but nothing. Heaven forbid I have to release that good-for-nothing Huntsman. Then again, maybe his infatuation can help me...

Yours,

Queen.

< Part 11 Restart Tale > Part 13

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 11

Dear Far Far Away,

It's a little lonely here now. The small guys go off to work during the day, singing the same old monotonous tune (I have earplugs now) and I sit at home cleaning. It's amazing how much mess these guys can make! That said, I'm used to it, what with cleaning the castle top to bottom on a daily basis.

On another note, I'm starting to get the impression I'm not liked by the curious men now. Sure, Doc seems as talkative as ever, and even tries to flirt sometimes (I have to let him down gently) but the only other one I can talk to and have a conversation with is the grinning one. I'm starting to wonder whether I should have brought my sunglasses to keep off the shine of his pearly whites.

As for the others, Grumpy only grunts at me when he walks past and Dopey rarely makes conversation because he is hiccuping bubbles. I'm pretty sure that that's not natural, but every time I get close to have a look, he runs off. I would chase after him, but he always runs into things so its easier to leave him be. The other two I rarely see. I can hear one of them snoring, and occasionally see the little red face of the last one poking around corners, but he never talks at all.

Yours,

Snow.

Of course, the logical thing to do is stay.

< Part 10 Restart Tale > Part 12

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 10

Dear Far Far Away,

I fink I is scard 4 lyf. Vat nyoo gurl mayd me haf a baff n I is cleen now. I even ayt the sope but she dident even cair.

She is a payn. She mayks niys fud an everyfink, but everyfink is cleen and I lykd it wen it were how it was b4.

Achooly, I lyk it wen I go 2 werk coz it meens I can get away from her n all her cleen stuff. Most of us is startin to get anoyd by her but Hapi is still hapi and Dok is in luf.

Yurz,

Dopey.

< Part 9 Restart Tale > Part 11

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 9

Dear Far Far Away,

I finally cracked. The Queen has been over a few times in the past few days to check how watertight my story was. To be honest, she's been so kind throughout my life I just couldn't face lying to her any longer.

Now, I write this message from prison which is probably best. I did a bad thing, and now I must be punished for it. I totally understand the Queen's point of view on this. She never shouted or screamed at me, but the thing that pained me most was the look of disappointment across her face.

Outside the window there's been a fair bit of commotion. I regularly see trucks carrying apples entering the courtyard below, often leaving with rotten stock shortly afterwards. There is an almost constant stream of smoke billowing up the side of the tower, which begs me to wonder if the cook has lost his culinary skills overnight. The food since I entered prison has been awful, so I'm thinking there could be substance to my theory.

Yours,

Huntsman.

< Part 8 Restart Tale Part 10 >

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 8

Dear Far Far Away,

I have a cold. I mean, yes, I always have a cold, but this time its something completely different. I think I'm allergic to the new girl.

I was talking to Grumpy yesterday and he was explaining his dislike for, well, everything but Snow in particular - and I'm beginning to see his point. I don't mind that everything is tidy now, because I can finally find all of my handkerchiefs, and those that I've used actually get washed once in a while.

I think I'm allergic to her smell though. She sprays the most awful perfume, some strong-scented rubbish that she somehow smuggled out of the Kingdom. It's made by some unsuccessful singer that is now married to a football player and apparently its all the rage back there.

It stinks! She doesn't even have a clue what's in it, but I read the small print on the bottle. It turns out that the singer just bottled her own stage sweat and claimed it kept the wearer 'fairest of them all'. It's disgusting. Give me a musky woman without these fake odours any day.

Hope my cold clears up tomorrow, but don't hold your breath.

Yours,

Sneezy.

Rest assured, this letter has been fully decontaminated.

< Part 7 Restart Tale Part 9 >

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 7

Dear Far Far Away,

Today has been a waste of time. I spent three hours on hold with customer support, each operator telling me in a foreign accent that my call is of value and someone will be with me shortly. I want to complain about the stupid mirror because it's broken, telling me that Snow White is still the fairest of them all. How can a corpse be attractive?

At one point, I even doubted Huntsman's story, but he assured me he definitely killed her and, as I ate her heart for Sunday's roast (and Monday's sandwiches) I have no reason to disbelieve him.

Eventually I got through to customer support, and they told me I had an invalid warranty because the mirror I bought wasn't even a genuine article. Evidently, they don't even do an iMirror, especially not one with a talking face on it. I knew I should have believed my mother when she told me never to trust an old lady selling dodgy Apples.

Yours,

Queen.

My mirror comes with facial recognition as standard.

< Part 6 Restart Tale Part 8 >

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 6

Dear Far Far Away,

Guess what I did today? Yep, I worked. Again. As usual. Hi-bloody-ho.

I did arrive home to find a pot of boiling soup on the side, and the others were all very complimentary to this new Snow girl on her cooking talents. Personally I thought it was foul and it even had bits of floating vegetables in it. Real men don't eat carrots or swede. She said she was going to make us a nice apple pie for dessert, but couldn't be bothered to leave the house and find any. We put a roof over her head and this is how she repays us! Ungrateful cow.

Later, I went up to my room and found that everything had been moved. That woman had been in my room destroying my organised mess. I even noticed that my slippers had been paired up and stacked up carefully on the shelf. Now, in the morning, I've got to go the shelf and pull them down before I wear them. Totally wasted effort if you ask me.

Finally, she wouldn’t even let us get drunk tonight saying that our livers must have been taking a battering from all the alcohol. Apparently she now cares for our well-being. I reckon that she's just hankering after a bottle to take home with her.

Yours,

Grumpy.

What a happy chap.

< Part 5 Restart Tale Part 7 >

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 5

Dear Far Far Away,

I have a headache this morning. Let me just catch you up on yesterday's events.

The ants were becoming unbearable, so I decided to strip down to my underwear and go for a dip in a pond I found. I'd just reached shore again when I noticed that there were some weird little men hanging around the tree line. Luckily, the animals hovering around spared my blushes but I was impressed at how quick the paparazzi found me – especially when even I hadn't got a clue where I was.

Turns out they weren't photographers. I do have my suspicions about the one in glasses, though. He had the same glint in his eye as that irritating Huntsman. They took me into their tiny house, where I hit my head on the ceiling more than once, and told me if I would do their chores for them then I could stay there a while. Disturbingly, the porky one with the inane grin on his face brought out a maid's outfit that was just my size, but I figured they could probably do with some female influence in their lives. Not only was their place a tip, but their fashion sense is horrific. They even wear slippers outside.

They brought out some bottles of a bizarre alcohol to celebrate my arrival (note: get the recipe), and we partied into the night. A couple of the lightweights went off to bed early, the one that kept yawning and the one with the cute little red face, but the rest of us kept going until sunset. We even played “spin the bottle”, which was interesting considering I was the only girl. I did wonder how they had learnt such a game exists because they don't appear to have ever entertained a lady before.

Yours,

Snow

< Part 4 Restart Tale Part 6 >

The Apple Princess and the Septet of Tiny People: Part 4

Dear Far Far Away,

Something amazing happened today! I'm still stuck with those six oddballs, but today while we were off to work, we found a tall person. Not only that, but she's a girl! And she's pretty!

Of course, the others were all over her like a rash but I figured that I should play it cool. I know I'm usually never very good at meeting women – yes, I'm referring to the incident two years ago – but I reckon this time it'll be different. She looks lost out here, and I might be able to use that to my advantage.

Actually, earlier she came up to me and stroked my face remarking on how cute I am when I go red. I thanked her, but then had to have a lie down because I felt a bit dizzy - I'm pretty sure it's not healthy for that much blood to be in my head at the same time.

Sounds like they're all having a party downstairs now. When I get up later, I might have to go and rescue her from their amorous advances.

Yours,

Bashful.

I think a name change is in order, stud.

< Part 3 Restart Tale Part 5 >