Candleroller: Part 19

Dear Far Far Away,

I dread to think how the Kingdom will be handled once my idiot son gets his mitts on the throne. Despite his protestations about needing an early night to "ensure one's face remains wrinkle free", I accompanied him out into the night to find the thief who stole his horse.

Fortunately I was well aware that the perpetrator was that poor cellar-bound girl Cinderella, so I subtly dragged my son by his ear to her stepmother's house. On arrival, the horse was nowhere to be seen, but I refused to turn down this golden opportunity to "arrest" Cinderella, rescuing her from her prison and finally providing the Kingdom with a Queen-in-waiting by marrying off my son.

Well, Prince tried his hardest to screw it up, first insisting that the despicable stepmother was guilty and ordering her execution. As much as I love a good hanging, I feared my son would be tempted to use tinsel instead of rope so I overruled his judgement.

He then he tried to indict the stepsisters by forcing the glass skate on their fat clammy toes but I feared the palace executioner did not have enough rope to stretch around their necks. Naturally my immediate pardoning was welcomed as an act of benevolence.

The pillock then insisted on producing a work contract for poor Cinderella. Unfortunately for him, he mentioned that pay was as little as he could get away with, which she astutely assumed was more than the nothing she was currently receiving. She signed, and came back with us, much to his dismay.

As an added bonus, on our journey back she explained her hatred of fairies, which I hope will further get my son out of his "phase".

Yours,

King.

< Part 18 Restart Tale

Candleroller: Part 18

Dear Far Far Away,

I'm going to kill my Fairy Godmother. Not only did I find out that her noble steed was actually a stolen equine, but I dropped one of my brand new glass skates. Oh, and to top it all off, the other shattered while I was making my escape and I've spent the remainder of the evening hiding in solitude and picking splinters of roller skate from my feet.

Still there are plenty of other things to be happy about. I've just heard that the Prince is looking to arrest a mystery woman in a white gown who lost a glass slipper, the hopeless sap. In a way, I'm pleased the other one shattered because I should be off the hook now.

Not only that, but it's a nice quiet evening. The Trashmen aren't blaring out of every speaker in the house for the first night in a long, long while. My stepmother and stepsisters have just arrived home, but they're quietly slapping on eyelash extensions and blusher.

I think I'll just enjoy this moment, things can only get better.

Yours,

Cinderella.

< Part 17 Restart Tale Part 19 >

Candleroller: Part 17

Dear Far Far Away,

I think my duties to Cinderella have been expertly carried out. She made it to the ball, and I even managed to warn her to be back by midnight like any caring guardian should. Being a good girl, she was back on time, although she wasn't grateful enough to thank me for my hard work.

Now I've overseen her safe return, I've decided to retire. I've had a hard life, cruising over the seven seas, watching mermaids swim past and fending off the odd kraken with my enchanted stick.

I'm taking Mr. Clompy with me as he seems like a fun-loving equine. Together we've decided to spend a while hitting up the red light district on our eternal search for a bar to lean on, and later we might settle down into a little cottage in the woods where no-one can possibly disturb us.

Yours,

Fairy Godmother.

< Part 16 Restart Tale Part 18 >

Candleroller: Part 16

Dear Far Far Away,

Disaster! Me and Driz were practically in bed with the Prince when we both needed a piss. When we came back, we found him talking to none other than that cow we keep in the basement! How did she get in anyway?! Mum left a drunken woman with her to keep her hands full all evening.

Anyway, next thing is she runs away and me and Driz looked at each other knowing we were totally in there. With Mum in hot pursuit, we daintily waddled towards our destiny.

We followed him out of the castle and into the cool winter air (not a moment too soon; any more walking and sweat would have been coming from every crevice). He was pondering over this glass skate and crying over someone called Mr. Clompy.

Well, we figured - although we disputed the roles – we could be his shoulder to cry on, his rock in this moment of need, or his dominatrix in the bedroom. He somehow eluded our irresistible charms and literally batted us off, blubbing his way into the castle and calling for Daddy.

Mum told us we could do better than living life with a Prince who is so far out of the closet you can see he irons his underwear. Still, no harm in heading home and hoping for the best.

Yours,

Anastasia.

< Part 15 Restart Tale Part 17 (Available: 17 October) >

Candleroller: Part 15

Dear Far Far Away,

Just a quick note to say that this disco has been a stunning success. Daddy is drowning his sorrows and complaining about the “useless sun”. I agree, it hasn't been overly warm recently, and was thinking about writing a letter of complaint.

That said, I did find two women with amazing tans. They seem to be very keen to talk to me so I'm just trying to find out which tropical island they went to so I can get some holiday tips when I take Fernando away next year.

The disco is in full swing, so I'll just say one other thing. This woman came to my party in a white dress. Clearly no good for a cleaner, I thought, so I initially ignored her. Then I spotted her horse which looked like Mr. Clompy! I was going to chase her down, but then noticed that the horse's feet weren't moving, and I remember from all the time on the cliffs that Mr. Clompy was never any good at flying.

Yours,

Prince.

< Part 14 Restart Tale Part 16 >

Candleroller: Part 14

Dear Far Far Away,

Why must I do everything myself? That blithering Fairy Godmother of mine turned up on the doorstep of my cellar last night as inebriated as a koala accompanied by an equally drunk horse. No, I have no idea where she found it.

When I found her, she was waving a stick at a pumpkin and singing “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo”. I haven't seen this level of stupidity since I agreed to Father's request to live in the cellar on no pay and minimal rations.

Anyway, I steadied my Fairy Godmother and sat her down. The horse attempted to follow suit, but just ended up tottering around, making a lot of noise and squashing all of the pumpkins. On that note, I think I'll call him Mr. Clompy.

I ran down to Vegswagon and picked me up a huge deal! They had a discount package deal called Pimp My Pumpkin, so I managed to get my carriage lowered and a pretty neat sound system installed. It doesn't need pulling by any horses, but seeing as Mr. Clompy is looking for somewhere to sober up I've decided to tie him to the front and have the carriage push him along on wheels.

On the way out, I nipped into DraySarj and picked me up another bargain on a beautiful sequinned number with free glass shoes! No idea how on earth I'm expected to walk in glass skates, but they're beautiful.

On my return, I found that Fairy Godmother was screaming obscenities at a ragged gown, questioning where all the sewing lesson money had been spent. Turns out that Jerry, Minnie and Mickey had spent it on becoming international superstars.

Yours,

Cinderella.

< Part 13 Restart Tale Part 15 >

Candleroller: Part 13

Dear Far Far Away,

Oh my God, oh my God! Today is the day of the party! I am looking rather lovely, if I may say so. Mum's done a great job with my dress. It's a lovely long, flowing gown that even covers my bum. Of course, I thought that by shortening it I'd have had the Prince eating out of hand, but Mum said that it wasn't respectable for a lady to be seen with hair below the hemline.

Mum has given both me and Driz a bag of essentials that we'll need for our big night. She's not fussed which one of us pulls the prince (so long as she can live in a castle) so she's given us exactly the same items. Being ladies of fashion, she's packed several bottles of fake tan so we can top ourselves up in the bogs if our sweat starts to smear it. There are also numerous lengths of fake nails and fake eyelashes and more than 30 varieties of perfume to seduce the prince with.

One thing I was confused about were all the condoms. I just don't get it. I mean, sure, Mum is looking after out best interests by expecting an energetic end to the evening, but if there's one thing that daytime TV taught me, it's that using a rubber only lessens the chance of a sprog at the end of it all.

Frankly, how else am I expected to get the Prince to make me a kept woman?

Yours,

Anastasia.

< Part 12 Restart Tale Part 14 (Available: 6 October) >

Candleroller: Part 12

Dear Far Far Away,

Having left the beautiful, relaxing and warm deck of Santa Wishoria, I paid my first visit to Cinderella tonight in the cold, damp basement that she calls home. Now that's dedication.

She was sleeping heavily, which was surprising enough considering there were mice scuttling around her feet weaving around the numerous knitting needles that she'd mentioned in her letter. I gathered up the rodents and gave them a pep talk, explaining the difference between a running stitch and a slip stitch.

Next, I turned my attention to her second postscript. Finding vegetables for a carriage wasn't difficult, it was just that certain vegetables don't lend themselves to the perfect carriage shape. Baked beans, for example, end up being very messy, and I wasn't even sure tomatoes counted. Finally I found a whole heap of discarded pumpkins.

Naturally, it was never going to be as easy as that though. Cinderella couldn't well lop out the innards of a pumpkin and sit in it like a candle on Hallowe'en. There had to be a spell. After a few unmentionable accidents when trying out "Avada Kedavra", I settled on the simple "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo".

Now I need to convince Cinderella that I knew what I was doing all along. Yes, a little musical number ought to do the trick.

To the tavern!

Yours,

Fairy Godmother.

< Part 11 Restart Tale Part 13 >

Candleroller: Part 11

Dear Far Far Away,

My girls tried on their dresses today and they look divine! Drizella is going top-to-toe in flamingo pink while Anastasia has a beautiful yellow number that gives her a very canary-like appearance. As a lady myself, I've decided to accompany them, just in case the prince is into older, wiser birds.

Like my girls, I've also decided against glass slippers because they simply don't go with my outfit. I feel they'd be too reflective, and I don't want my feet attracting attention while my cleavage is trying to do all the work.

To ensure that Candleroller doesn't cling on and ruin our big day, I've hatched a plan. Having seen what can happen with over complicated plans in the past (some legal anomaly after her father died in 'mysterious' circumstances meant I didn't get the inheritance), I've decided to stick to a simple one. Push her into the cellar and lock the door after her. I'll release her when we're done entertaining the Prince and if she's well behaved we'll even let her live with us in the palace as one of the cleaning staff.

I've checked her bank account to ensure that she's not paying for anyone that can rescue her and, other than spending an exceptional amount on branded washing up liquid, she seems clean.

Ha! Clean! I'm on form today.

Yours,

Stepmother.

< Part 10 Restart Tale Part 12 >

Candleroller: Part 10

Dear Far Far Away,

Ever since I got into my career 20 years ago, I realised that I had the perfect job. After completing my training, I was assigned to watch over a young girl who was destined for great things, but whose life was turned upside down on the death of her father.

Of course, that girl is Cinderella. Aged 5, her father was supposed to let her know that he'd been paying monthly for a Fairy Godmother but it didn't seem like he had because she'd never needed me before. Still, I continued taking the money because I care about the girl. That, and I needed to fund my lavish cruising lifestyle.

Today I was just lying around on the deck of Santa Wishoria - patiently waiting for a call from Cinderella while a servant boy fanned me with a palm leaf – when she called! Not by telephone, mind (we fairies aren't that technologically disadvantaged), she asked for me in her prayers. I think that wish will stay with me forever:

Hello? Is this thing on? Right, Fairy Godmother, I've just remembered you've been taking money from me for years (why have I never spent this money and moved out of the cellar?) and I need your help now so you'd better bloody well sort me out. There's a disco and I want to go. Sort me out a carriage. Thanks.

PS it must be vegetable-shaped.

PPS teach the mice to sew, they need something to do, rather than chewing on my toenails.

Emotional, no? Better go and sort her out I suppose.

Yours,

Fairy Godmother.

< Part 9 Restart Tale Part 11 >

Candleroller: Part 9

Dear Far Far Away,

Oh. My. God. Me and Ana have a date! With the prince! Well, its a fancy dress party, but he personally invited us which is pretty exciting! I picked my favourite pink dress, but I decided against glass slippers because walking on glass at my weight is pretty dangerous. I'm going to accessorise with my huge gold “D” shaped necklace.

Mum said once we get to the party we need to head straight for the Prince (“as the crow flies”, she said) and then quickly ask for his hand in marriage. Before he has a chance to say anything I'm going to seal the deal by sticking my tongue down his throat.

Of course, at the wedding Ana will have to be my chief bridesmaid. We'll go and visit the gambling capital of the world and flirt with a few punters so we don't have to spend any money. Then we'll return slightly hungover and hopefully without an impulse wedding.

My only concern is that during the wedding Ana will steal the show. I mean her bum looks far better than mine in a white dress so I'll have to get her to tone it down a bit.

I know he's a Prince and everything, but when we're married he's going to dote on me. Obviously I won't be working at the chip shop any more, so I'll have to get him to bring me burgers in bed so that I can keep my beautiful greasy complexion.

Yours,

Drizella.

< Part 8 Restart Tale Part 10 >

Candleroller: Part 8

Dear Far Far Away,

My stepmother has royally irritated me (no pun intended). She said I'm not allowed to attend this Prince's disco, despite me clearly being a woman (at least, last time I checked). She even docked my wages, which was a little pointless because I'm not paid anyway.

Well, I'll show her. Little does she know that I have imaginary friends who can help me in my time of plight. That's right. I'll just conjure up my Fairy Godmother who will grant my every wish.

Now, I know you're wondering why didn't I just ask my Fairy Godmother to whisk me away from this cellar that I've been living in – and you'd have a good reason to ask, because I've only just thought this myself. Anyway, I'm not a vengeful person so it wouldn't be right if I didn't use my Fairy Godmother to retaliate against my overbearing stepmother.

Actually, while I'm on the subject, I'm hoping there's something that she can do about these rodents that live here with me in the cellar. They keep gesturing at me with almost human tenancies, but since when has a person been able to understand what a rodent is thinking? The only thing those rats are good for is testing my cosmetics on. I also tried to teach them to sew but they just keep impaling themselves with the needles.

With luck, Fairy Godmother will be able to turn them into something useful, like a footman or something. After their incessant nibbling I need a good pedicure.

Yours,

Cinderella.

< Part 7 Restart Tale Part 9 >

Candleroller: Part 7

Dear Far Far Away,

I moved to this Kingdom because ragamuffins were setting fire to my chickens where I used to live. Murders of dentists were starting to become frequent and I came here for some oral hygiene.

I wasn't sure what sort of job to undertake on arrival, so I continued in my area of expertise and bought a whole load of chickens ready for market. Then, just after I spent the morning setting up my stall, a spate of chicken robberies took place around this Kingdom.

Well, sod this for a laugh, I thought. I'm going to get a job as a butler for some high class family. By happy coincidence a woman ran by screaming how the bird was the word and I thought to myself that this is a woman who is clued up about current affairs. I immediately sought employment.

Turns out, this woman is a moron. My first job was to find a carriage that looks like a vegetable. Yes, that's correct, a vegetable. Even more bizarrely, I went into town expecting to find nothing, but it appears that some wily businessman had set up his vegetable carriage selling shop only a few hours previously. I wandered into “Vegswagon” and bought a parsnip-based transport called the “Parssat”.

This place is just weird. The sooner I can find a new Kingdom with free dental check-ups, I'm off.

Yours,

Peasant.

< Part 6 Restart Tale Part 8 >

Candleroller: Part 6

Dear Far Far Away,

You'll never guess who we just received a letter from? The Prince! An upstanding and morally sound gentleman like his Highness took the time to bless our humble letterbox with his handwritten prose. I went straight to the thesaurus to swot up on how to speak proper.

I must admit though I made a bit of a mistake, when I read the first line of the letter, I shrieked for Candleroller, as I thought it was a good way to finally rid my house of her presence.

Turns out, we might be able to abandon her. I let her stay on to listen while I read Anastasia and Drizella the letter just so I could see her perfectly cute little face drop when she'd realise that she wasn't invited. Of course, she tried to persuade me that it was to all “Women”, but she's a pathetic specimen who isn't worthy of a Prince, so I put her back to work and docked her wages (or would have, if she got paid) for insolence.

Now I must go and ready my newly hired butler.

Yours,

Stepmother

< Part 5 Restart Tale Part 7 >

Candleroller: Part 5

Dear Far Far Away,

Mum came over today. We had a busy morning watching trashy people from the balcony, laughing at their misfortune when an inter-species test revealed that their husband wasn't the father of their child. Those people make me sick to the back (black) teeth.

Still, despite my dislike for people in general, I could watch them all day. If someone were to invent a box where I could watch it from the comfort of my rented armchair that would be fantastic. After a good couple of hours of people-watching though, Mum got to the point.

She delivered a heart-wrenching speech about how me and Drizella had let her down because she'd have loved to have been a grandmother by aged 30, and now that she was 31 all of her dreams have been shattered. She did have a point, but I told her I had my own dreams and didn't plan on popping out sprogs until I was 18.

I do plan on becoming a respectable lady, don'tcha know.

Yours,

Anastasia

< Part 4 Restart Tale Part 6 >

Candleroller: Part 4

Dear Far Far Away,

My (idiot) son has just sent me a copy of the letter he plans on sending out to all of the eligible ladies in the Kingdom (attached).

Honestly, I despair. At least his stupid horse has gone now so he can't embarrass the poor equine any more by dressing it up in glitter and dying its mane pink. No wonder it turned to drink.

Yours,

King.

Here's Prince's letter...

Dear Women,

Cleaner Wanted. Must be female to appease overbearing father. Hours flexible, pay negligible. Sleeping quarters provided for the little amount of rest you should expect to have.

Please apply by coming to my amazing sparkly roller disco. You must arrive in a humorous vegetable-shaped carriage wearing an amazing pink dress and amazing glass slippers. It's not my birthday or anything, but feel free to bring me an amazing present.

Yours,

Prince

< Part 3 Restart Tale Part 5 >

Candleroller: Part 3

Dear Far Far Away,

My daughters mean the world to me. Anastasia has her own two bedroom home paid for by the Kingdom's taxpayers, but seeing as she's 18 and a taxpayer herself (on occasions), she practically owns it. Drizella is 17 and has applied for social housing in the hope of emulating her smart and successful sister.

We love ornithology and regularly go out looking for the newest winged varieties. It's very popular in the Kingdom now - at least, this was the conclusion that I drew when I spoke to Mrs. Pecker the other day and she informed me that all of her husband's chickens had been stolen. This crime has been reported all over town and because it's written in every newspaper one might say that the bird is the word.

That other toe-rag that lives with us, Candleroller, is not my blood relative so I never invited her to join the fish and chip shop that I set up with my girls. As a result, her skin hasn't benefited from the medicinal effects of having olive oil evaporate through your skin. I'm not cruel though, so I set her up on a non-paying contract to wash and clean the floors of the house in exchange for one of the most private rooms in the house.

I have a busy day ahead – I've got to help my girls find the man of their dreams. Despite checking the singles adverts in the newspaper, I couldn't find any rich, gullible airheads who could father my daughter's children. He needn't stick around – that's what child benefit is for. My search is starting to look fruitless - let's hope that we receive a letter from someone desperate for a wife.

Yours,

Stepmother.

< Part 2 Restart Tale Part 4 >

Candleroller: Part 2

Dear Far Far Away,

After I took Snow back to the Kingdom, I invited her straight into my bed, because the pillows needed plumping. Next thing I know, she's stripping off and crawling in. What sort of man does she take me for? I'm a Prince!

She fled, leaving her clothes behind and only she stole my crimson gown on the way out. Naturally, I screamed in an overly dramatic tone and pranced out of my bedroom in a flamboyant manner. I followed her footsteps down to the stable where I found that Mr. Clompy was an accomplice all along and had fled the scene with Snow astride. The fiend!

Anyway, that was half an hour ago and although I'm loving the single life again, Daddy is already pestering me about finding a new woman. I keep telling him that Fernando can cook and sweep, but Daddy wasn't pleased when Fernando showed off his skills by polishing the throne. Perhaps Fernando should have waited until Daddy had finished in the bathroom.

Anyway, Daddy finally relented and is letting me throw a ball for everyone in the Kingdom. ROLLER DISCO! Me and the girls have already decided on a colour scheme! The girls will be in all pink with stunning polished glass slippers and the boys will be in dapper blue suits with ruffles around the neck. Fernando has already picked out his trousers that make his bum look divine.

Finally, everyone should arrive in horse-drawn carriages, and prizes will be awarded for those carriages that look most like a vegetable. The only reason for the carriage is so that plebians don't turn up and dirty my sparkly glitter-covered dance hall.

The reason for it looking like a vegetable? Fernando's idea - he's such a gem.

Yours,

Prince.

< Part 1 Restart Tale Part 3 >

Candleroller: Part 1

Dear Far Far Away,

I fear my life is joining thousands of others in the Kingdom whose fathers die in mysterious circumstances, and whose step-mothers make them perform manual labour. Like the others I have settled on a life of quietly performing my duties by taking consolation in that fact that I have a strong bond with animals.

I also have unoriginal dreams where I wish for a prince to whisk me off my feet, but I have an inferiority complex that makes me wonder whether my greasy sisters would be a better match for such a kind and caring individual.

I do think of myself as fortunate though. I have my own room in the cellar where I can see the morning light stream in through a grated window level with the pavement. I also have the pleasure of listening to the birdsong when my step-mother sings The Trashmen's classic in her off-key a capella solos. My late father even bought earplugs to block out all the surrounding sounds so he could concentrate on her beautiful singing.

Anyway, I should get back to my chores now. I need to remember to brush my teeth first today, because after a hard day's tile scrubbing yesterday, I'm still picking out fluff from between my canines.

Yours,

Cinderella.

Part 2 >